So I was watching a Baby Story yesterday and it's been a while since I've seen one of the episodes, but I of course cried my eyes out!! :o) The mom was trying to deliver her 2nd baby vaginally but had to have a Csection due to the same reasons I had to have one with Adrianna. Her husband was talking about how she was scared, but crying more because she was afraid of disappointing him.
It made me reminisce about each of my two csects I've had and how emotionally tough they were on me. At the time I had my first one, nobody I knew had one and it was SO hard on me, I felt like a total failure. I had my birth plan typed out, had a binder all organized and ready to go, even pre delivered my plan to the dr. and the hospital to post on the door...LOL. But it just didn't work for me and I had to accept that. Hopeful that I could do a VBAC for my second to be able to experience the "euphoria" of vaginal birth, I was shot down my doctors and decided to just go ahead and schedule a 2nd CS. That experience was much better than my first one. It was scheduled, I was mentally prepared, and I knew what to expect. Since the epidural didn't work the first time, my dr. gave me a spinal the 2nd birth and I was able to be awake which definitely made a HUGE difference! My first CS was an emergency, no pain meds were working and I had to go under General Anesth.
I'm prepared for my third CS delivery but still feel the anxiety of it inside. Watching the mom crying the entire time they are cutting and delivering made me cry too! The fear laying there of something going wrong doesn't go away when they take your baby out, at least not for me. I couldn't stop crying until they rolled me out of that O/R!! The fear of death overwhelms me during the surgery so I'm trying to figure out a way to not have that happen this time.
Thank God Chris is able to be right by my side. He is my ROCK, my "safe place". The man has the warmest brown eyes you could ever look into. His touch makes me feel safe and secure. He may be filled with as much fear and anxiety as I am but doesn't show it to me. I feed off of his patience and resilience as much as he feeds off my energy and excitement. We are a perfect balance for each other in that way.
Each birth is a different experience regardless of how you deliver the baby, I know that. I was laying in bed talking to Chris last night about how it NEVER gets old, each birth is NEW LIFE, a NEW BEGINNING, and I feel so blessed to have a husband that wants to experience that just as much as I do, and that God has provided us with the opportunity once again! This pregnancy has been TOUGH, this has been a rough season in our lives between moving, financial struggles, and lots of other "changes" in our lives all at once. BUT, the best, most valuable part of the past nine months has been my spiritual growth. I've felt close to God and far from God over the past 21/2 years that I began my journey, but not until NOW do I genuinely feel like I am God's Child and am filled with the Holy Spirit! My life has been transformed! I've been broken down in ways that pain me to even think about, but I do believe that was the only way for me to hear God's voice and His only way to get my attention, my FULL ATTENTION. My biggest fear since "calling myself Christian" has been whether or not I would still genuinely be me. And wow, yes, I am still ME, just a better ME. :o) Character qualities that I always said I didn't have, I now possess and call mine. I pray now, and not just for me, but I spend more time praying for other people.
This is a new Chapter in our Lives, our Book . . . and I'm so excited and FULL of Faith, Hope and Love . . .
