I hesitate "over sharing" and protect my words MUCH more than I have in the past. I've learned how people can use my words and thoughts to hurt ME. Therefore, during my last year of homeschooling, I've kept my struggles on the down low. I've done this to protect myself while I've walked through one of the toughest seasons of life. Our family has gone through lots of change, and while it seemed horrible at times, it has been one of the greatest things that could have happened.
I realized last night that one of my greatest gifts is my vulnerability. I give my heart 110%, I give everything my all, plus some. Holding back my feelings and struggles is NOT me. I started this blog over 6 years ago to share, not to hide.
So, as we approached our 1 year "Homeschool Anniversary"......here are some of my thoughts.....
Wow, WHAT did I sign up for?
This is the GREATEST thing I've ever done!
Sleeping in is great!
I need more sleep!!!!
Spending all day with the kids is awesome!
When are these kids going to bed??!!!
Ahhh.....no more "school clothes" budget!
I have to FEED them ALL DAY???!!!! Wow! My grocery budget doubled!
It has been a ROLLER COASTER of emotions for me, no doubt. We have our good days and we have our bad ones. Those good ones though, wow, those are what help me keep on keepin' on.
Last August when my mom got sick, things have become tough for us all, especially me. My plate is full and there are times I just want to give up! Hell, you want to know a secret??? I applied at two charter schools because I was so overwhelmed!!! I've been trying so many different things in our homeschool and have just been exhausted trying to find "our place" in the Homeschool World! But it hit me the other day, I already KNOW where our place is and it's totally different than my unschooling friends, my Christian homeschooling friends, my literature loving homeschooling friends, ALL of my homeschooling friends........as it SHOULD be.
We are all so different, but one thing we moms have in common, homeschooling or not, is that we want the very best for OUR children. My gut and my heart told me to homeschool, my husband finally came around to the idea two summers ago and the only thing that makes me question it at times is FEAR.
This shit is s-c-a-r-y!!!
Those adorable little people scare the hell out of me! They make me want to be the very best I can be for them and I get scared that I'm not enough. THAT is where the problem lies, THAT is where my struggle is. So, to help, I seek counsel from family and intimate friends, I seek encouragement from the moms that have been doing it for years and I move forward, one foot in front of the other.
This is no sprint baby, it's a FREAKING MARATHON!!!!!!
I took the big kids on a hike last week and while I was watching an listening to them (after I found out Sofia got into one of the schools and the big kids were #2 and #4 on the wait list) my heart ached at the thought of ever sending them back to school. I wanted to cry right there on the spot. I adore my little people and I know this is EXACTLY what I am supposed to be doing right now. Therefore, off to looking at curriculum for next year I go!! We, as a family will take it year by year. Adrianna begs me not to put her back in school, she wants to stay with me all the time! Christopher says he wants to stay home too but is fine either way, LOL. Sofia, well, she is staying with mama too! She will be the first Auditore not to go to Kindergarten and to be honest, I'm really happy about that!!!
When I told my mom how I felt, how afraid I was, she said so "Matter of Fact like"......."Since when do YOU give up on something because it's a challenge or difficult?" She seemed shocked that I was even considering throwing the towel in. I sat there with my coffee and thought to myself, "Yeah, when DO I quit when the going gets tough???? Tough is what I PUSH through, challenge is where I THRIVE". Life looks quite different for me now then it did 2 years ago, that's for sure....but I'll take it!! I am happy and fulfilled in ways I never have been before.......that's what it's all about!!!
I *ALWAYS* Persevere!