WOW! TWO YEARS???

Yep, it's been TWO YEARS since I've blogged.  I started this blog back in 2007 and dabbled in a couple other blogs between then and now, but it's just so much easier to post on Facebook and Instagram, isn't it? 

This takes time for me to sit down and think, to sit down and share . . . let's just say that has gotten me in trouble in the past, my "sharing" or you could say "over-sharing".  For the first time in a long time, I feel like letting down the barrier and sharing again.  At the beginning of this year, Anna was invited to a youth group by a friend of hers.  I was very surprised that she wanted to go since she has been questioning if there really is a "God" up there and to be honest, I wasn't much help because I have been struggling with my faith since I left our church over 5 years ago.  Well, the people over at Legacy Church just showed her love and fun and that faith isn't scary, making her want to go back every week.  After basketball was finished up for the season, Christopher joined her too, even though he was nervous to try something new.  After his second week, they both came to me and told me we ALL need to go to service that coming Saturday, and we did.  I instantly felt anxious.  I know what goes on behind the scenes of "church life" and I was so worried of being judged as soon as I walked in those doors.  I already knew some of the church members and was Facebook friends with many of them, including the pastor's wife!  We have lived in this small town for 15 years and obviously know a LOT of people! LOL

Chris and I listened to and enjoyed the sermon, which was HUGE since we tried a few churches over the years, even going back to his Catholic roots and just didn't feel it.  There was a church we enjoyed but as soon as the pastor emailed me to see how they could help (mom was hospitalized and a mutual church friend saw it on Facebook so she told the pastor), I ran for the hills.  I never wanted to accept help from anyone church affiliated EVER again.  You see, it's really, REALLY hard to move on from church hurt.  I've heard stories about it when I was in a leadership role in the church that Chris and I were the first family to be part of the "two family church planting team". We helped grow the church and then left the church and well, that all ended very badly.  Lots of pain all across the board.

Chris grew up a good Catholic Alter Boy, and me, well, I was baptized Catholic as an infant like all Italians do, but I never went to church.  My father remarried and was part of the whole "Born Again Christian" season in the 80s so I was forced to put on a dress, pretend we were a happy family on Sunday and then leave to go back home to an alcoholic, abusive father.  Yeah, that made me feel all the good feels that "church" was supposed to do......UGH.

After having Adrianna and baptizing her because yes, that's what we Italians do( superstition is ridiculous in my culture, Hahaha)  we never went back to that church.  Fast forward a few years when we met a couple that became our best friends, our girls became best friends and after a gazzillion questions, we decided to help plant Resonate Community Church here in Hutto with two families we adored, trusted, and loved doing "life" with.  Now fast forward 5 years or so and that's when I started feeling the pull.  I was drained, even though I LOVED serving others (and still do, it's my heart) I just felt like my family was not getting the attention it needed and we needed to step away and nurture our family and our needs. I felt the call to take the plunge and homeschool.  We were about to make LOTS of changes in our lives at that time. This is really hard when you are looked at as leaders, this was really hard for our pastor, his family, our "church family".  Human nature took over and there was a LOT of hurt spread all over the place.  I was shunned in local stores and coffee shops, I spoke words on Facebook and my blog that should have been kept to myself.  I was hurt, so many of us were hurt.

I put myself in a bubble.  TRUST NO ONE.  And what about God?  He had to have been MAJORLY dissapointed in me.  I stopped doing his work.  I never felt a connection to God until I felt it through the people I was doing life and his work with side by side.  BOY IS IT EASY for the line between the two to get blurred.  So many people didn't understand why we left and turned their backs on us because they felt they needed to pick a side, and I understand all of that now, but I also felt that God turned his back on me as well.  I was once again, a dissapointment.

This brings tears to my eyes as I type this because once I got out of my house at 18 and went to years of therapy, I was convinced that I would never feel that pain from people again. 

So obviously, there was no way I would go back to church.  I tried because I felt like I should be doing it for the kids, but I just couldn't.  Even after the first week at Legacy I thought, sure this pastor is nice and relateable, the people are doing what greeters do, smile and say good morning, everyone seemed nice enough.  I guess we could go the following weekend and we did.  The kids look forward to the Sundays that they don't have a swim meet, a game of some sort, or one of my baking classes, so we can "go to church" so we go. I sit, I worship, I take some notes, I soak in the words Pastor Danny says, I smile and nod as we leave worried that someone may have heard something from my past that probably isn't true or read something on Facebook that they may have misinterpreted, but I keep going back. 

It's funny that Chris and I started doing the "church thing" when we had little ones that we just carried along, but now those "little ones" are the ones leading us back into the "church thing" and I don't want to let them down, but I'll admit, I'm scared!  I'm scared to trust. I'm scared to connect. I'm scared that I am not enough.  Yesterday's sermon was titled "Trust".....go figure!

So here's to putting one foot in front of another and taking it one.step.at.a.time.  This goes against my nature being the person that jumps ALL IN.  It's very strange, but I'm actually okay with baby steps, at least it's moving "forward".

That's really all any of us can do, isn't it?