I was talking to a friend last week about, well about everything really. That's what tends to happen when we talk. We sort of overtalk each other, talk all over the place about a WIDE range of topics, cover lots of bases, laugh and get each other, feeling good when we hang up the phone with each other. One part of our conversation that has stayed with me was when we were talking about being a woman in our thirties. I wouldn't go back to my twenties, they were wild, crazy and fun but I don't think I could survive them twice. (lol) I look forward to my forties ( aren't we girls always looking forward to the next stage of development? Jeez, I know I have been since I was 13, looking forward to 16,then 18, then 21 and so on) since I hear women older and wiser than me tell me that is the best decade, I'm looking forward to it.
Although, right now, 33 years old I am feeling very good about being in my thirties! I know other women out there struggling to figure out who they are, trying to find some more meaning in their everyday, searching for something to fill them up and don't get me wrong, I don't have it all figured out and I don't think I'm fully "evolved" yet, BUT I do feel successful and I do feel like I am right where I'm supposed to be. There can be so many distractions in life that try to throw you off course, try to do exactly that - "distract", and I'm guilty of falling prey to it at times too. But thank God for Chris, he always makes me see the reality and the blessings that surround me!
Sure, I thought I'd be a doctor or something in the medical field - that was my hope for success, to get me out of my house and succeed to something that my mom wasn't able to achieve and something that would make my dad actually be proud of me, but that wasn't what God had planned for me, those were MY ideas, MY plans, totally not HIS. As I reflect upon how in the world I crossed paths with Chris and how I was ever able to capture his heart, it just amazes me and again, I know that wasn't just MY doing for sure. It happened at the right time in both of our lives. Once we connected , a family came immediately to both of our hearts and minds. And sure, I still wanted to hold onto MY plans, just switched from Pre Med to nursing - still fighting to keep control of my destiny, but I didn't win. :o)
God had different plans for me. I've given up alot of control, which believe me is HARD. I'm still very determined, very strong willed, and very independent to a degree, a healthy one I think, but over the past 4-6 months, I've had to let go ALOT! And beliieeeeeeve me, it hasn't been easy but I'm starting to see why it has all happened the way it has and my faith is growing ever so strongly, I don't really have a choice. :o) I guess God already knows that though and may even get a little chuckle here and there, at least that's what I envision when I think of him as my Father watching over every thing I do. I'm married, I'm pregnant with my 3rd child, I'm just FINALLY starting to figure out this "parenting" stuff, I have alot of friends around me and I have a dog. Okay, I know the "dog" seems silly and I've wanted to ditch him at times, even VERY recently but I know I won't.
So I know I'm ALL OVER THE PLACE here, but try to follow me. My dream as a child, teen, young adult was to have a family, feel safe, be truly loved and have real friends. And lately with my crazy hormones and life's regular "stresses" all I've been consumed with is our major debt, our bills, money, being "renters" and not "owners" in the home we our currently calling "ours" that I started to not focus on those 4 key elements that have always been my heart's desire. Sure more money would be great, I'm not a total idiot, but I do KNOW that what I have is enough. I don't need to work on a new career, I don't need to trade my car in for a minivan (even though it would be nice), I don't need to "own" the home I'm living in to consider it "home", I don't need all of those things, my ideas of success, to make my life successful. What I need and always have needed were those four things I already listed and I have them.
I didn't make any New Years resolutions,because honestly I think it's a little dumb and I knew I wouldn't follow through with them anyway. :o) But what I did promise myself is that I will focus more on what I was put here to do. I am wife, mother, friend, and most importantly a special woman that God created and I want to live my life making HIM proud. By doing that, everything else will seem even richer.
I just finished reading "The Shack" and let me tell you, it was amazing! It has been what I needed to read. I am finally able to think of God in a COMPLETELY different way, more personal, more as MY father, my dad, my "papa" . . . the man in my life I never had and no other person could be to me. I read this book in one day and I'm NOT a reader at all. I have 3 books I've started and never finished, but this one, I didn't clean or anything on a Saturday, just read! It was a GREAT day!
I'm not really sure if what I've written makes any sense at all. Yes I'm thirty something and feel good about stuff, NO I don't have being a woman, wife, mom and friend all figured out but feel like I am on track as long as I don't allow all of those distractions in. I have bad days as all of us do, but when that day is over, it's over, no need to go back to it. The more "good" stuff that happens and that I participate in, I want more. I am not a pessimist by heart but do allow myself to go there sometimes, I just don't stay there, I can't. And yes, being a stay at home mom can have days that seem boring, but when I feel that way, I just find something to do which for me usually means "fun" to get my mind back where it needs to be. Being home with my kids, everyday, pretty much all day, is what I'm supposed to be doing, it's what I need to be doing. This family of mine is what brings the most joy to my heart and to my soul, and when I think about those feelings, that is what I think is God's love, His way of showing me affection, his love for me, especially me.