JOY! That is exactly what I felt right there!
My beautiful girls!
blowing kisses to my babies!
2 of my sweet little angels! So proud!!
Just came in from my first Marathon training run, 3 miles and it *hurt*. My legs were stiff, all sorts of pain in different areas but I feel good now....so strange. But it proved to me today that I am made for this running thing!
The training for this race was tough but I did it thanks to an outstanding partner, I was able to push through the physical part of it. There is a flip side to the training that I had not anticipated, the emotional side. I have worked through ALOT of stuff during this training. Realized some things that I felt really convicted of but also focused in on many of my strengths. I tend to beat myself up ALOT but there is just something about all this physical exertion that did something for me mentally...brought to the forefront of my mind just how strong I really am. How all the qualities many of my friends love me for (that I usually think of as my flaws), are truly gifts and I am thankful for all the aspects of my personality and what makes me "ME".
I search for acceptance. I try to please everyone. I want to be a good person. I like to try things new. I hope to be the person people can relate to and feel comfortable around. I want to be the best at everything I do. I live for relationship and love. These are just a few things I focused in on. I looked at what running meant to a few other ladies I've had and/or have a relationship with and tried to identify with it but realized I can't completely and that's okay. I mean even my running buddy and I have different reasons we run...we love different things about it, her-the training, me-race day! :o)
I've questioned over and over, especially when I have been in pain or when I'm waking up at 4:15 to get ready to run, why I'm doing this. Is it okay to have this as a priority or am I being selfish? This training stuff has been very hard on my heart regarding the selfish stuff. I grew up with a father always telling me I was selfish. Hey, even my mom told me once that I was selfish when I decided to move in with my dad after the divorce. Even though I know she didn't mean it in a hurtful way, she was young, scared and hurting too, but it did hurt me. I carry some major baggage from my childhood. My father was violent, my home life was chaos and discontent. I was always just trying to find my place and never did. I was hopeful that I would in college but then got kicked out of the house after graduation and that dream was crushed.
Now without pouring my entire life story on this one post and going completely off track...this is the stuff that was brought out during my race on Saturday. A friend of mine told me to leave it all out on the road so I let it come out and settle out there on those freaking hills! :o) This race was a tough one, hill after grueling hill but I didn't walk once. I took every one of them and claimed them as my own. Each hill was my "mountain" to climb over and joyously run down (and I ran down them FAST, hence the sore toes yesterday, hey I had to make up for how slow I had to go up those suckers!). As I would look at each one of them and watch people walking, I pulled something out of my heart that I wanted to leave there and I did just that. I found some healing out there on that course just like a friend of mine told me I would. I struggled with only doing the half marathon since there were some people on the team that took on the full. I deep down wanted to do the full but knew I'd never be trained enough to do it in time. I received this email regarding getting a 13.1 sticker for my car...LOL, which I did NOT get by the way:
Save it! Save it! Save it! You are about to be a marathon runner. When I ran the half I was already discontent. I stood in the half line looking at the full line to pick up packet and I knew right then that I was not a half runner but a full. You are the same! I know because I know your drive and the healing that will come in that full! Soak it all in! The half is harder than the full. Serious. You are gonna rock it!!
I celebrate all of my friends that ran the half and the full marathon on Saturday but their run has nothing to do with me. This was my race and I was successful. I had NOTHING more to give when I crossed that finish line. I set a goal of 2:30 but was really hopeful I'd finish in 2-2:15 , but those horrible hills...ugh! At least I KNOW I'll beat my PR in San Antonio which was originally going to be my first half marathon so I'm taking this one as a really, really tough training run...LOL! :o) There seemed to be so many challenges for me once I decided to do this race, right down to finding out the day before the race that I was the only one without my name on my bib, my name was assigned to a different number but someone else on our team had that number...it was just a mess! I cried my eyes out that night and was SO DOWN on myself casting the blame on me and almost didn't do the race. Kyle fixed my bib and wrote my name on it, and did a really good job I must say, and I just pushed along. My time is wrong on the race results page next to my name but is more accurate to the bib I wore which supposedly belonged to a 90 year old man that didn't really exist....so weird! :o)
So in a nutshell, course sucked but was scenic. Humidity was icky but the rain cooled me off and the wind was actually refreshing. I learned just how strong this little mind of mine is and when it tells my body to do something, I just do it! My body isn't in the best shape yet, but I know I'm on my way and progressing every time I get out there and hit that pavement. I run for me. Not because anyone else is doing it. I do it for me.
Looking forward to where this journey takes me....who knows!? More marathons, ultra races, Ironman Triathlons...the possiblities are endless! :o)
Here's to one more race under my belt!!!!!
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