Just like my title says...so?!?!?! Guess what, sometimes I really don't care that it's Monday...I don't want to have it all together...I don't want to have a plan for the week....I don't want to always do "the right thing" and you know what? That's okay! Or at least I'm saying that's okay for today! Sometimes I just want to say screw it!!! Seriously, I don't want to be the "good girl" the one making the "right choices", doing the "right thing" all the time.
I had a MUCH NEEDED conversation with the ONE PERSON in my life that I TRUST, and VALUE the MOST...my husband. That man is the FIRST MAN IN MY LIFE that I have ever trusted to love ME, just ME, no expectation of what I should be or what he wanted me to be, but just little ol me...Gina...insecure, scarred beyond belief, afraid, wanting to be loved, raw Gina...simple as that. Those conversations are just amazing, beyond words, PRICELESS...seriously.
I am a mess.
Seriously a mess sometimes.
I want to be the best mom I can be.
I want to the best wife I can be.
I want to be a good friend, a good neighbor, a good community member.
I want all the things I looked at in my tween/young adult years at all these facebook friends of mine during that time and their families, wishing I had.
I wake up every day, seriously, focusing on the positive...thankful for EVERYTHING I've been blessed with. I use those emotions, those thoughts and feelings to propel me forward. I use EVERY bit of energy not to bitch and moan about the spilled milk all over the floor for the 4th time today, or the spilled juice that I DO NOT ALLOW upstairs (mind you this is a RENT HOUSE!!), or the constant fighting among the two older ones, the 3rd poopie diaper of the day that leaked through onto my clothes, the destroyed upstairs that I just cleaned or the dirty floor that I swept 4 times before 6pm!!!! Because, guess what? That's life...suck it up, roll with it and be thankful for the gift of family...it's what you make it, right?
We talked about a TON of stuff tonight....started off with finances (which I've BLOWN this past month)...moved onto friendships, working out , family and on and on...Those of you who *really* know me understand how that goes, LOL! I cried, I confessed, I beat myself up, I really just "unloaded" on him and I feel so free right now. This man is my soul mate, the one I've waited for my ENTIRE LIFE. The only human being that I truly trust and KNOW that will never turn his back on me. He did "what he does" and listened to me, REALLY listened to me and did what he usually does (he's amazingly WISE), he asked me questions that only HE can get away with asking me, helped me see things that most people can't help me see and set my mind and my heart in a direction that I need to be in. I've felt very off track lately. Call it husband traveling, call it adjusting to baby #3, call it "self absorption" with the working out, going 2 years without a period making hormones go CRAZY, or call it simply summer...out of a routine....whatever it is I know things have just seemed "off" for me lately.
I try to get on track...I try to stay on track....I try to be "good"...help others, live my life "outside" of just myself and my four walls....but I don't feel successful at it all the time. This post probably seems all over the place and really is, because that's admittedly where I've been lately, all over the place and I'm giving myself the permission to say, It's okay right now.
I'm just human. I'm a regular girl, with similiar struggles that many women have. I don't try to "act" perfect and have it all together. I try to keep things balanced and sometimes, just can't get it there and that is OK, tomorrow is another day, right?
Here's to Tuesdays...hoping to be better on track tomorrow.... call this the post vacation blues I guess...LMAO! :o)
Screw the menu plan this week, I'm wingin' it!